Room 424 [early Sunday morning]

[momslilassassin]

Ben arrived just as the sun was rising. After carefully locking up the shuttle, he trudged back up to the dorms and flopped onto his bed, then reached out for his comlink, made a couple of calls, and waited, staring up at the ceiling.

Comments

[endsthegame]

"I have to admit," Ender said, after a quick rap on the doorframe, "That this is one of your more auspicious returns."

[momslilassassin]

Ben's heart threatened to leap out of his chest.

"Ho, Ender," he said, sitting up and trying not to look as nervous as he felt.

[endsthegame]

"Ho, Ben."

Ender knew exactly how nervous he was-- and he might have been the same, if it weren't for the fact he hadn't allowed himself to be nervous about these kind of interactions for quite some time now.

It just amounted to one thing: there was no point in loitering here. They'd be better off if he cut to the chase.

Ender walked into the room, towards the occupied bed, and sat down without asking.

[momslilassassin]

Ben's breath hitched a little and he reached out a cautious hand to touch Ender's shoulder. He needed to confirm that Ender was real.

[endsthegame]

"And here I am," Ender said, shooting his arm a slightly amused look, "Forgetting that I'm made of glass, apparently."

[momslilassassin]

Which was about when Ben's hug would threaten to choke the life out of him, yeah. "You died. Never do that again."

Nice, realistic request.

[endsthegame]

"I think that might be a problem by definition," Ender had to tell him, but while the bodily contact was a little strange, he found he didn't have a problem with it. So he hugged back, tugging the sleeves of his shirt a little further over his knuckles (not that a lot of visible damage remained, but leaving reminders for Ben wouldn't exactly help the healing process) and let him assault his respiratory systems.

[momslilassassin]

Ben finally remembered that breathing was important and pulled back a little bit. "Never do that in front of me again. You scared the hell out of me."

[endsthegame]

"Don't worry. I'm not actually suicidal," he said, leaving his arms to hover somewhere by Ben's sides, palms towards the mattress. "I took a gamble."

[momslilassassin]

Ben scoffed. "Don't worry? Like it works that way." His hand moved down to brush against Ender's. "I didn't know you were going to be okay. I thought you were gone."

[endsthegame]

It was the good hand, fortunately. For whatever value of the word. So he didn't shift it away. "The gamble paid off," Ender continued.

He'd thought he'd be gone, too. "I wasn't quite myself."

[momslilassassin]

"You weren't breathing and you caught fire in the sun," Ben said, noting the obvious. "We could've found a way around it."

[endsthegame]

"I was also spending most of my faculties considering how satisfying it would be to--" Drain those corpses. Drain them all. "--savage the living," he said. "I was a threat."

[momslilassassin]

"You didn't give me a chance to come up with anything," Ben replied quietly. "You just...jumped."

[endsthegame]

"I could hear your heartbeat," he said, simply. "It wasn't worth the risk."

That, and the end of the world. It wasn't going to leave his personal guilt racket of images any time soon.

[momslilassassin]

Ben shook his head, looking at him. "There had to be something else," he insisted. Because no one would leap out a window just for him, of course.

[endsthegame]

"I could give you any number of reasons," Ender said, patiently. "I could tell you that my survival would negatively impact on the community of survivors there, when you'd dragged me in from the cold - and don't tell me you wouldn't. I could tell you that I felt real murder in my heart, and I was struck by such self-loathing that I had to act on it. I could even tell you it was an irrational act born of fear and panic."

He nudged Ben's hand back. "It was a gamble I took," he said, simply. "It worked, and looking for blame within yourself is nothing but pointless martyrdom."

[momslilassassin]

Ben's hand tightened on Ender's. "No, I blame you," he said softly. "You left me, and when I see you I have to push back that image of you jumping out a kriffing window, Ender."

[endsthegame]

"You blame yourself for not thinking of anything quicker," Ender said, simply. "That's human. Denial isn't going to make that go away."

He slanted his head. "Or would you rather I attack you, next time?" So much for getting to be kind. "To go with overwhelming instinct and tear out your throat? Would that solve the equation in your head to your satisfaction?"

[momslilassassin]

"Tahiri did that later," Ben said to his feet. "She didn't beat me. You wouldn't have either."

And killing them both would have been easier, Ben?

[endsthegame]

"So two wrongs make a right in your world, Skywalker?"

It was an obvious question.

Nevermind that Ender wasn't so sure that Ben could have beaten him. It wasn't arrogance. Or at least, a truthful brand of it.

"Two blames render absolution complete?"

[momslilassassin]

"She wasn't herself," Ben replied. "You were, just in the wrong body. That matters."

[endsthegame]

"A wrong body with wrong instincts," he warned, lightly. He pulled his hand from Ben's, and then moved to snag Ben's at the wrist, to hopefully yank it down to his heartbeat.

It was a symbolic gesture, above all, but it was important.

[momslilassassin]

Ben held his hand against Ender's chest. "You weren't responsible for those bodies, you know," he said, voice barely above a whisper.

[endsthegame]

"I was, and I wasn't," Ender replied, allowing his voice to leave no room for debate. "Whatever killed those people was shaped by my memories. That's my cross."