momslilassassin | Room 204 [really, really early morning]

With the amount of stress he was under, a part of Ben was surprised that the nightmares hadn't started sooner.

That didn't mean remembering the Embrace of Pain wasn't traumatizing:

Ben found himself shirtless and upside down, floating in a bubble of white agony as he tried to remember that he was human, that he was the son of two great Jedi, that he was trying to become a Jedi himself. The pain was determined to rob him of this, tearing at him in a thousand ways: acid that licked his nerves raw, needles with poison to inflame joints, pincers that yanked hair from individual follicles. It never let him go numb, or die, or fall into catatonic oblivion. The only way to stop the pain was the surrender to it, to let it melt him down and turn him into something else...

With a cry of terror, Ben bolted upright in bed, then clapped both hands over his mouth to stop any further noises from coming out and sat there trembling and gasping for breath.

[OOC: Mostly for the roommate, if he is so inclined, but establishy otherwise.]

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"Are you sure?" Ben asked, shifting closer.

"Positive," Ender said, one end of his mouth curling up. "The only scales you have to deal with are your own."

"And what happens when their calibration is off?" Ben asked.

"You take a moment to recalibrate," Ender replied. "There's no shame in that."

"I don't know what to check it against these days," Ben admitted softly. "Dad says he thinks it's fine--that's why he put me in charge of the move from Endor--but I'm not sure."

"As far as I can tell, you're still a good man, Ben," Ender replied. His own tone was hushed. "Which doesn't mean you don't have to work at it." He rubbed at his forehead. "What are you worried about?"

"Ending up as angry as I was," Ben said, barely loudly enough to be heard. "I would have killed Jacen after I got out of the Embrace without a second thought. And that's bad."

"But you didn't," Ender noted. "And you'd just been under stress from overstimulation for over a day."

"Only because my father stopped me," Ben said. "And I ended up in the Embrace to start with because I didn't kill Jacen fast enough on my first try."

And that was something he'd never told anyone.

"And what do you think makes you a bad person?" Ender asked him, evenly. "Trying to kill him at all, or failing the first time? Nevermind the Embrace itself and what it did to your mental state."

"Jedi don't kill in anger," Ben said. "Ever. That's how you end up like Jacen."

"A death is still a death," Ender pointed out. "Whether you do it in anger or not."

"But it weighs differently on your heart. A death in self-defense is different than one when I watched the guy sit down, then pulled the trigger and checked through a scope." He shook his head. "I bet I'm not supposed to know that."

"I think 'supposed' went out the window for you a long time ago."

He thought of all the men that had died out there under his command when he didn't even realise they were people; the Formics, Stinson, and Bonzo.

To him, they were all the same. He pushed that thought aside. "You're not punishing yourself because you killed someone, or wanted to," he noted, "You're just punishing yourself because after a day and a half of torture, you couldn't help being angry. Because you should've been stronger, right?"

Wow, that bedspread was fascinating. "He lasted for months under the same conditions," Ben said softly. "I almost cracked after 36 hours."

"And how well did he deal with that?"

Ben shrugged. "I don't know if that was what permanently broke Jacen or not," he said. "Because if it is, then Jaina and Tahiri are going to be in for a galaxy of pain in ten years or so."

"Ben," he said, with a sigh and a little bit of a flop, "You didn't break. I could reference your tough skull again, but I think it's a given."

"It was close, though," Ben said. "I was running out of amusing quips to throw at him and was keeping myself myself by reminding me how much I hated him. That's not healthy."

"But being kept in a living torturing implement for thirty-six hours was," Ender remarked, little sympathy and more than a bit of dry irony in his tone. "Such a horrid little person, you are."

Edited 2009-10-12 09:08 (UTC)

Ben privately believed that, yeah, sometimes he was a horrid little person. "It was still wrong," he said softly.

Ender would be relieved it was only sometimes. "Yes," he said, "Because when Jacen Solo can manage several months in this thing and come out spry and ready to take over the universe, your thirty-six hours are nothing. It made you weak. Not fit to be a Jedi. You've got murder in your eyes, Skywalker."*

* icon keyword chosen appropriately

"You've never seen me angry like that," Ben said. "It was enough to scare my father. And nothing scares my father."

"No, I'm sure you were angry beyond my reckoning," Ender said, "I'm sure you were so angry banthas within a three-hundred-planet radius shat themselves and didn't know why. That's not the point."

"Then what's the point?" Ben demanded.

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