momslilassassin | Ender's Swingin' Bachelor Pad, Naboo [Wednesday, Fandom time]

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Ender's Swingin' Bachelor Pad, Naboo [Wednesday, Fandom time]

The nice thing about how time worked on Naboo was that even a few days away from Fandom meant that Ender and Ben had gotten almost a week to themselves to unwind.

Now the fridge was restocked, the rooms were prepared and the droid Ben had made was bustling industriously around getting rid of dust bunnies.

Ben and Ender were ready for their Fandom (and other universes!) invasion.

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"If he were happy back home, things might be different," Karla admitted softly. "But he's not. And he's not the type to go to a world like his and strap on various tights like the many other versions of him there are, either."

Though he would probably finish up college, rather than only going for a year. Maybe other things, too. Karla didn't know. Hell's fire, Karla wasn't sure if Warren knew, either.

"At the same time, I don't want him coming with me because it's his only option, either. Too much pride for that, I guess."

"I don't think Warren has really had the time to explore a great deal of options," Ender said. He reached for Karla's hand in an attempt to take the sting out of the words - blame that on years of being around Ben. "That doesn't mean this won't be the right one for him. You won't quite know if the puzzle pieces fit unless you try, after all."

"I've worried about that," Karla said, squeezing his hand in appreciation. The gesture meant a lot to her, mostly because she knew it was not Ender's first instinct, rather than because she particularly needed it. "I'm the first female he's ever been with--" someone hadn't told her about Denise yet, la "--the first one who ever showed real romantic interest. I don't know how to talk about that without making it sound like I doubt what he feels for me, but...I'm not that much of a starry-eyed romantic. I mean, half the reason I fell so hard for Ben my freshman year was because he was one of the first males I wasn't related to that cared about me. Not because I was a Queen or because males defend and protect, but because he cared about me. That's a heady concept."

"Trust me, I know," Ender said, shooting her a tiny smile. God knew he'd spent too much of his life being deified by the people who were supposed to be his peers. Ben had kind of wormed his way past that, too. "From what I know of Warren, he is... something of a starry-eyed romantic. Much like how Ben is one more so than I am."

He took a breath. "Of course, Ben has had to deal with reality for too long to fall into those traps so easily these days. But there's a reason why I gave him the option, then made him wait before I'd let him answer me."

For all of her flaws, that was one trap Karla had never fallen into. She saw Ender as a mentor, yes, and someone she could go to for questions, but she'd never deified him.

"He is. And so while I never doubt that he loves me, sometimes I wonder if he would love me if I weren't the first." She gave Ender a half smile and a shrug. "On the other hand, I helped shape him, too. I was one of the people who drew him out of his shell. It's all terribly complicated."

"It is," Ender said. He gave her hand a squeeze himself, then dropped it. "The best you can do is try to help him find his place in the world... make sure you can let him go if he decides he can't find one... and hope you won't have to."

"Do you remember..." Karla began, and then looked at him. "No, you wouldn't have, would you. You never thought that being an adult meant that you could do as you pleased."

Karla reached for her water and sipped it. "I always knew that I'd have responsibilities as Queen and that I wouldn't be free to do whatever I wished, but there was a time that I thought that being an adult would mean a lot more in the way of personal freedoms."

Which, technically, it did. It also meant a lot more in the way of consequences.

Ender offered her a smile that was meant to soothe as much as anything. Though-- no, he'd never been in that position. His life had started with an expectation and a responsibility, one much more immediate than Karla's. He couldn't change that.

"Becoming an adult in the traditional sense is, I think, accepting new privileges in exchange for new responsibilities," Ender said. "But I don't have to explain that to you, of course. Though with that in mind, it's almost as if I'm living my life the wrong way around, like I've lived my responsibilities and in return I've been granted my privileges later in life."

His mouth quirked again. "Of course, it's not that simple," he said. "Responsibilities own me. I don't think I could function if I didn't have them."

Edited 2012-07-01 11:15 (UTC)

"Has that been part of why Fandom's been itching at you?" Karla asked. "It's in between your responsibilities. You've just been...drifting, almost, for the past four years. Not that you haven't worked, of course, but it's not the same as having specific goals to reach. So you've been here, ostensibly resting, but chafing at the limits at the same time."

"I've been drifting, and I haven't been drifting enough," Ender said. "I'm not used to being in one place for as long as I have been here, I'm not used to nothing changing on me, to having the same friends in the same fashion for such a long time. And to have that bother me is a flaw in me, but it's one I can't easily fix."

He glanced at her. "The idea of being happy in any permanent sense terrifies me more than anything."

"Why?" Karla asked. "Are you afraid you'll...stagnate? Or is it something deeper?"

AND THIS IS WHY HE'D NEVER TRULY LOVE YOU, NOVINHA! THAT AND BECAUSE YOU WERE A TERRIBLE PERSON!

Because he didn't deserve it.

But it wasn't just that.

"I don't know," Ender said. It was the truth. "I have... too many questions."

SACKCLOTH AND AAAAAASHES.

"The kind that require a lot of traveling and talking to people to answer?" Karla paused and then shrugged. She'd never backed down from telling Ender what she'd thought before. "I think you're frightened of putting down roots," she said bluntly. "It took you four years to accept Ben. And I know you look at your friendships from Fandom as kind of a...passing thing. Not something to cling to longer than necessary."

She said that matter-of-factly. She'd had time to think it over and deal with it.

"We could talk about all the whys and wherefores, but I'm betting you know them better than I do. I just think that, in the end, part of you is afraid to see people as more than the occasional surface companion. You feel distant and separate from them, and part of that is just who you are, but I think some of it is a defense mechanism, too. If they don't get close to you, they can't depend on you."

Ender shook his head, and gave the water a good long look, and said, "When did you get so insightful?"

Though that wasn't all of it-- not nearly the whole thing. He had too many questions. There were too many answers to all of it - including this question - and none of them were complete.

But it was part of it, and he was happy to let her have that part.

It would take an entire coven of experienced Black Widows to unlock all of Ender Wiggin; Karla didn't suffer from the misapprehension that she'd been able to pin down everything that he felt. The fact that she'd gotten anything at all was a cause for celebration.

"Well, I've had a fair bit of time to think recently," she said. "Warren's been kept busy doing. I've been busy thinking."

In her own way, this conversation was her version of the goodbye Ender had had the summer before. She was proving to him that she had more than just the capacity to be insightful, that she could and did actually use it sometimes. Goodbye, Ender. You taught me so much and those lessons you've imparted have fallen on fertile ground. You don't have to worry about leaving me behind; I don't need you.

Words she'd probably never say. Words that almost sounded harsh to her own ears. But words she thought he'd understand--and appreciate.

He would, because if she didn't need him, then he could leave with a clear heart free of guilt or responsibility. At this point in his life, that's all he honestly asked for - possibly the best gift he could get.

"That's good," Ender said, with a little smile. "I'm glad."

He could read between the lines, every now and again.

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Ender's Swingin' Bachelor Pad, Naboo [Wednesday, Fandom time]

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