Ben & Ender's house on Shakespeare [some evening]

[momslilassassin]

Ben was curled up on the sofa with Ender's rather dry book on anatomy after Ben's research into the subject had brought up suggestions like "Bend Over," "Eating Out," and other titles that had sent Ben into an unhelpful cycle of flail. (Jane had a wicked sense of humor, not that Ben knew that.)

He had a dish of ice cream while he waited for dinner to warm up--his only outward sign of nerves--and kept glancing at the door waiting for Ender to come home.

Just another night, right? If he kept repeating that to himself, maybe he'd believe it.

[OOC: This is going to get waaaaaaay NWS, methinks. For the boy.]

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[momslilassassin]

"They were extremely brave," Ben said quietly, knowing that Ender wasn't looking for a "they were waiting for you" kind of meaningless asspat.

[endsthegame]

Ender named names - names he knew all too well.

"They died here," he said. "Or on the way. They left their families and their safe homes behind and they died out here. Alone."

[momslilassassin]

Ben squeezed his fingers. "But not for nothing."

[endsthegame]

"I don't know if the broken families they left behind all feel the same. No one's ever told me."

[momslilassassin]

"Every family's different," Ben said. "Some would understand, and some wouldn't. Some of them might not have even had families behind."

[endsthegame]

"I've been feeling really good these past few months," Ender said quietly. "Safe. Content. Sometimes I have to remind myself that thanks to me, there are people who can't say the same. Those men who died up there... the formics that died down here..."

[momslilassassin]

Ben wrapped his arms around Ender and held on tightly, knowing that he wouldn't be able to say anything right now that Ender wanted to hear.

[endsthegame]

Ender stared up at the stars, and the trees and the ancient, dead machinery up ahead; for once in quite a while, he let it all roll over him, the guilt and the questions and the sorrow for people long dead.

It didn't disappear. But after a few intense moments of it, it rolled back.

He turned around and hugged Ben back just as tightly.

[momslilassassin]

"I love you," Ben whispered, tilting his head up to kiss Ender's jaw.

He didn't think it was enough by half to counter what Ender was feeling right now, but it was what he had to offer.

[endsthegame]

"I know," Ender said, kissing him lightly on the mouth. "C'mon. There's a small hill up ahead where we can sit without trampling anything."

[momslilassassin]

Ben linked his fingers through Ender's and started walking, carefully avoiding tripping over tree roots.

[endsthegame]

They went up the tiny hill, where there were no trees or roots or anything else, and Ender sat down on the mud.

"We can go back home soon," he said quietly. "I promise."

[momslilassassin]

"Thought this was home," Ben replied just as quietly, snuggling against him. He wasn't sure if it was for his own comfort or Ender's, but it felt right to do.

[endsthegame]

Ender slid his arm around Ben's waist and kissed the top of his head. "And they tell me I have a way with words," he murmured.

[momslilassassin]

Ben let out a small, contented sigh and kissed Ender's jaw because it was close.

"Fandom?" he asked.

[endsthegame]

"Hm?" Ender said, glancing at his face.

[momslilassassin]

"Different home," he said with a tiny blush. "Sorry. Sitting out here in the middle of nothing made me think of our trips to the beach."

[endsthegame]

Ender smiled a little. "Or the roof," he said. "More stars out here, though."

[momslilassassin]

"Not nearly as much light pollution yet," Ben agreed. "Makes me feel pretty tiny."

[endsthegame]

"It does," Ender agreed. "And at the same time, you seem quite comfortably sized to me. Perspective is an interesting thing."

[momslilassassin]

"It is," Ben said, giving Ender another little hug. "I'm glad I'm the right size for you. Feeling a little less enclosed?"

[endsthegame]

Ender smiled and dropped his chin on Ben's shoulder. "Sometimes I need to remind myself," he said softly. "I'm afraid of losing who I am, some days."

[momslilassassin]

Ben kissed him softly. "Not sure what you'd be without the guilt?" he asked without judgement.

He'd had the same conversation in his own head any number of times.

[endsthegame]

"No," Ender said quietly. "I have no idea. And I can't cope with the thought of finding out. Sometimes when I'm with you, I'm almost there."

He sighed and gave Ben a squeeze, mostly for his own benefit. "But I don't want to leave you behind, the times that hits me."

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded. "Thanks for telling me," he murmured. "If you'd just taken off after what we did...I might've misinterpreted."