momslilassassin | Aing-Tii homeworld [later Friday Fandom-time]

Ben wondered if he should have had a sanisteam and something hot to eat before attempting what he was about to do, but it was too late now. He trudged slowly to the spot where he, Luke, and Ender had spent so many days learning from Tadar'Ro. It all looked as it had before, the time-smoothed stones warm from the sun, the taller stones casting cool shadows. But didn't feel the same to Ben.

Here was where Tadar'Ro had taught Luke, and Ender, and Ben, and Jorj Car'das.

And here was where Tadar'Ro had taught Jacen Solo.

For a long moment, Ben stood, his heart beating too rapidly in his chest, his arms folded. Part of him wanted to just walk away. But another part of him knew he had to do this, or else he would forever wonder if could have learned something, anything, that might make a difference.

He sat down, but not on one of the stones upon which students sat. He was still several strides away from the teaching site, close enough to observe and hear, far enough away so that hopefully his presence would not be noticed. That was one of the things Tadar'Ro had cautioned him about. One who traveled to the past could be seen and heard--even change things. But according to the Aing-Tii, the Force would resume its natural flow. One couldn't change things in any significant way; the Force would bring things back to the way things should be.

Except...and Ben's heart spasmed in his chest.

The Aing-Tii said this because they believed that the Force guided them in their everyday lives. And now they had this dreadful schism. What if they were wrong? What if both sides were wrong? What if beings weren't guided, or if things weren't preordained?

What if he could really change the future?

He began to tremble at the awesome nature of that thought. There was only one thing to do--flow-walk, and see what happened. Since his legs were threatening to buckle beneath him anyway, Ben sat down cross-legged on the rocky ground.

He began to calm him breathing, as if he were preparing to simply meditate, but he kept his eyes open. "Soft eyes with which to see," Tadar'Ro said. "Hard eyes will not see what they need to see. Closed eyes will see nothing."

Soft eyes. Unfocused but watching. Ben understood.

His heart rate dropped and his body relaxed. With his slightly out-of-focus gaze, he regarded the flat stones upon which he, Luke and Ender had sat.

"I don't understand," said a familar voice. Ben's head whipped toward the sound but he kept his gaze soft. Tadar'Ro was approaching the teaching area, and with him, striding briskly, wearing the brown and tan robes of a Jedi Knight, was--

"Jacen," Ben whispered.

His cousin looked younger than he remembered. That was to be expected, of course; this was the past, after all. But there was more to it than that. Ben hadn't realized while it was unfolding how much the war had aged Jacen. His cousin's forehead was smoothed, his eyes clear and bright and warm. His movements lacked the gravitas they had assumed later, when Jacen wore all black and tried to imitate their grandfather. Before Ben was no Sith, no colonel. Before him was a Jedi Knight, his cousin, a man curious and determined to learn.

Jacen sat down in front of Tadar'Ro and looked at the Aing-Tii expectantly. "How can you go into the future at all, if it hasn't happened yet? Yoda once told my uncle it was always in motion."

"Yoda was correct. And yet one can still travel into it."

Jacen shook his dark head. "How can you travel into something that is not there?"

"When you flow-walk, things become solid beneath you. Your presence brings them into being. And yet, when you depart, they return to what they were. What you see is a future, but not necessarily the future. It is real, and it is not, and it is."

Jacen shook his head, laughing with genuine warmth. "That explains everything," he said wryly.

He was so...open. So unguarded. Ben tried to remember seeing Jacen that way and found he couldn't. Was it because he was here, learning with someone like Tadar'Ro? Or had the final shell of hardness, of implacability, simply not folded around him yet?

"I'm glad you're willing to teach me. I want to learn everything I can. This galaxy..." Jacen looked off, his expression detached, but not with the iciness Ben remembered. "It needs order. Healing. Help. Jedi have abilities that other people don't have. We need to do everything we can to help that process."

Help. This man had killed innocents. Had tortured a woman to death. All in the name of helping the galaxy. How had he justified it, this man who sat there with concern obviously filling his whole being?

Jacen...oh, Jacen...

Ben couldn't take it anymore. With a roar he jumped to his feet, and the images disappeared as if they had never been. The stones were empty.

Like the paradox of traveling into the future, Ben realized that Jacen had been at once firmly set on the path to the Dark Side and yet not walking it. He had not become Sith, had not really even considered the option seriously. The man Ben had just seen was a Jedi, and an uncorrupted one. He was no wide-eyed innocent--too much had been done to Jacen for that. But for all the pain he had endured, he was not dark. And yet the shadow was already upon him, in his questions, in his attitude; not in the seeking of the knowledge, but in the drive to seek it.

Ben wanted to leap up, grab his cousin by the front of his robes and shake him, screaming, "Don't do this! Please don't do this!"

But he knew that even if he'd done so, even if he'd told Jacen all the atrocities he'd commit, it wouldn't have made a difference. And the part that took his breath away, that had him gasping for air, was that it was too late for Jaina's Jacen as well, and probably Tahiri's. The brokenness was already in him. The progression from Jacen Solo to Darth Caedus was inevitable and unstoppable, and knowing that broke his heart.

There was no healing here, no closure, no chance of saving Jacen. There was just a horrible, racking inevitability, a feeling of helplessness, and the sensation of poking at a wound that should have healed already. Ben rested his head against the nearest stone and sobbed.

Ender	Ender hadn't been watching him, or even ventured too close to where Ben was, because this was personal. But he hadn't strayed far, either. And so, after not so much time at all, his shape and weight and presence sank down next to Ben on the ground. He didn't say anything.
Ben	Ender was radiating home for Ben, who was past caring how he looked as he cried. The dam that had been holding back all of his emotions for the past three years had broken, and Ben took an ironlike grip on Ender's shirt for fear he'd be swept away in it.
Ender	He wasn't surprised at all. Ender didn't hesitate to slide his arms around Ben's back right then, offering the full extent of the strength he rarely showed publically these days. He didn't particularly care how Ben looked right then, either.
Ben	Ben's sobs finally slowed down and he took a couple of deep, shuddering breaths. He hadn't loosened his grip on Ender at all.
Ender	Ender rubbed his fingers gently over Ben's back, and realised vaguely that he'd learned how to do this from the boy he was holding. Three years of Ben's troubles with Jacen, and he'd been around for almost every month. He didn't say anything. Gave him time.
Ben	"His path was set," he finally choked out. "Is set. And it hurts." Some idealistic little-boy part of him had been clinging to the idea that he might have been able to save--if not his Jacen, then someone else's--and discovering that wasn't happening had hit him like a mortal emotional blow.
Ender	"I know," Ender murmured. "I remember." Years and years of Ben trying to find some way to be in control of it all.
Ben	He was shaking now, but the tears were over. "There's no closure in this."
Ender	"He's dead," Ender said, leaving the palm of his hand to settle over the center of Ben's spine, trying to keep him steady. "Some would argue that's closure in and of itself. But no," he added, "There was never anything you could do here to put it to rest. Besides know. Besides understand."
Ben	"I can't understand," Ben said, curling his legs up into a tight little ball.
Ender	"Why not?" Ender asked, not so much in confusion as to coax more out of Ben.
Ben	"Because I saw him just now, and he was young and joking and looking creepily like George Cooper. And he was asking the right questions, but I could tell that even here he was already asking for the wrong reasons. There was too much drive, intensity..."
Ender	Ender's mouth quirked, just a little, though it was out of no particular joy or amusement. He was thinking of Peter, however briefly. "So you do understand," he said, gently. "I remember you after Mara died."
Ben	Ben shuddered. "Not a happy memory."
Ender	"No," Ender agreed, unsure whether to offer any other physical comfort. He erred towards the side of caution, and stayed still. "But you were driven, too. You just chose another path."
Ben	"Only after following Jacen more than a little ways down his," Ben said softly.
Ender	"Maybe," Ender said, "But then I'm not too dissimilar to Peter, either. The point is that you do understand, kreetle." He caught Ben's eyes. "And like you said-- that's all you can do."
Ben	"Understanding generally brings peace with it," Ben said, dropping his head into the crook of Ender's neck. "There's no peace here."
Ender	Ender sighed, renewing his grip on Ben's back. Mentally, he counted to ten before answering, fighting his instincts. "It isn't always so black and white."
Ben	"I'm tired of rainbow philosophy," Ben sighed.
Ender	"Most people don't like that kind of thing," Ender said, settling his hand on the back of Ben's neck. "Black and white is nice and clean. If you don't like the other guy's point, you can just cut their head off."
Ben	Ben let out a tiny little sigh and relaxed slightly. "It takes a bit more than that," he argued softly.
Ender	"Does it?" Ender asked, rhetorically. He could have riffed more on the dark-and-light thing, us-versus-them, but that was another conversation for another time. "And what does it take?"
Ben	"An actual feeling of peril, for one," Ben said. "I don't cut off heads of people who disagree with me in class. That'd be overkill." Beat. "Literally."
Ender	"Ah, so we do have gradations of gray here," Ender said, though not before a fairly inappropriate chuckle made its way out.
Ben	Hearing Ender laugh eased something else in Ben's chest. "It's not all Jedi and Sith," he said.
Ender	"We'll bring a little bit of rainbow into this conversation yet," Ender murmured. "Someone once told me that the truth, understanding-- could be a really painful pain in the ass, even if it was necessary. You're still sticking your scalpel in delicate tissue." A pause. "I think that someone was me." Not him-him. That him.
Ben	Ben's eyes went a little wary. "It might have been," he agreed after a moment. "That you was...something else."
Ender	"Agreed," Ender said, "But I might have had a point on that one." He pulled back a little, to look Ben in the face. "You didn't come out of this learning nothing," he said.
Ben	Ben took a deep breath and blew it out again. "Yeah. I just wish I felt better about it."
Ender	"With time, maybe," Ender said, bumping his forehead into Ben's. "You can finally start to let some things go."
Ben	Ben gave into the impulse to reach out and wrap his hand in Ender's hair to make sure he didn't back up too immediately. "Wonder what that will feel like."
Ender	Something stirred up suddenly in Ender's belly. He fought it, not this not now, and felt oddly guilty. "You'll have time to find out."
Ben	Ben used his free hand to wipe at his eyes. "Maybe I'll finally stop feeling so crushed."
Ender	"To everyone the responsibility they owe," Ender said. He leaned back gently, trying to disentangle himself a little more. "This one wasn't yours."
Ben	Ben leaned back as well, wondering why he felt regret doing so. "Yeah, maybe," he admitted, running his hands through his hair.
Ender	"Maybe?" Ender echoed, sounding amused. At least partly to cover up the fact that half his instincts were screaming at him to get back in close. Stupid inner chimp.
Ben	"Maybe is a big step," Ben declared with a tiny ghost of a smile.
Ender	"I'll give you that," Ender said, answering it with a tiny smile of his own. He climbed onto his feet, offering Ben a hand as soon as he got up.
Ben	Ben took it gratefully and stood up as well, then squeezed it quickly. "Thanks, kreetle," he murmured.
Ender	"Anytime," Ender said, warmly. "Though that's not an encouragement for you to run off and practice obscure Force traditions all the time."
Ben	Ben shivered. "No offense meant to the Aing-Tii monks, but I don't think I'll be flow-walking ever again."
Ender	"I didn't think you would," Ender said, making sure to drop Ben's hand. He shoved his own hands into his pockets. "Some things - a lot of things - are best left in the past." He'd know.
Ben	Ben nodded, looking haunted for a minute. "Guess we should go find Dad and get ready to head to the Maw." They were really hitting all the galactic high points.
Ender	"I love how clearly your vacation destinations are marked," Ender commented. "I predict afterwards, we'll venture onwards to the Planetoid of Doom." Despite his joking, though, he was still watching Ben for signs of distress.
Ben	Ben was still paler and more drawn than usual, and his eyes showed signs of crying, but he was putting up his mental barricades as fast as he was able. It wouldn't fool his father--or Ender--but it might get him past Tadar'Ro. "I've heard it's lovely in the Fall," Ben said with a tiny, forced smile.
Ender	"I'll take your word for it," Ender said. His mouth quirked a little, but with no real mirth. "We'll talk more on the ship."
Ben	Ben nodded, grateful that they were back to sharing a room. He had a feeling he was due for another round of nightmares and mostly sleepless nights. "Ender?" he began, then realized he had absolutely no idea how to end a sentence that was trying to thank someone for not running away from an emotional breakdown. He stared at his friend, noticing all of the little parts that made up his face--eyelashes, ears, a strangely distracting mouth--then bit his lower lip and broke eye contact.
Ender	Ender's brow had knotted in a brief flash of confusion. But he didn't audibly expand on that confusion at all. "It's fine," he said, though he wasn't completely sure what.
Ben	Ben was pretty sure that whatever was happening, it wasn't fine, but he wasn't up for articulating that at the moment. Instead he reached out to give Ender a far too tight hug and shoved aside memories of the last time he'd done so through sheer force of will.
Ender	Ben was probably lucky Ender had seen that one coming. Mostly. He pushed out a breath of air, forced from him by the suddenness of Ben's assault. He didn't hesitate to hug the boy back; was glad that at least this time, he was firmly stable on his feet. "You'll be all right."
Ben	"Eventually," Ben agreed with a slightly shaky laugh. "We should be getting back." He hadn't let go yet, though.
Ender	"I think your dad will wait at least a few minutes more before he flies off and leaves us stranded with the rock people with the tongues," Ender said. He was not even going to bother wondering what Luke was going to make of this.
Ben	"He'll wait for me, at least," Ben agreed, finally stepping back.
Ender	"If Luke leaves me here, I could always pull a Peter," Ender said. "It's a time of crisis, after all. I'd be the Aing-Tii overlord in no time at all, and then he'd be sorry." He dropped his hands back at his sides, casually.
Ben	That got Ben to smile more genuinely. "Can't wait to explain that to Karla."
Ender	"It'll take a while," Ender said, "You'll have to wait until she's done yelling at us for going off-comms again." He reached out and gave Ben's shoulder a tiny nudge. "C'mon," he said, "Enough basking in desperate, self-reflective banter."
Ben	Ben took a deep breath, then nodded. "Right," he said quietly. "Let's get off this rock." The Jade Shadow had a bunk with nice covers for him to bury himself under, and that was suddenly the most appealing idea in the galaxy.
Ender	Ender would have to catch up with Jane again as soon as they got out of the nebula, but that'd be a while yet. He'd hang around his own bunk and read books tonight: he doubted Ben would get much sleep. Ender gave him a quick nod, and turned in the direction of the Jade Shadow, and began to walk.