Room 424 [evening]

[momslilassassin]

An afternoon thinking he was a little girl had not been exactly what Ben had been planning, though the distraction had been kind of a relief.

...not that he'd admit that.

He was in his room, carefully examining his air vent to see how the gremlin had gotten in and looking to see if there was a way to discourage them from returning without breaking the terms of the treaty.

The door was open a crack.

[OOC: Post is open completely!]

Comments

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"He wasn't always," she said, reaching out to touch his arm. "You are allowed to be sad."

[momslilassassin]

Ben twitched a little as she touched him. "I don't know what I am," he said. "Mostly confused."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

She withdrew her hand quickly, looking worried. "What happened? What parts can you tell?"

[momslilassassin]

"I'll start from the beginning and see how I do," Ben said softly, curling in on himself. "I went home to find proof that Jacen had killed Mom. My friend Shevu came with me back to the crime scene, which was...hard." He swallowed around a lump in his throat. "Have you ever seen a ghost?"

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"I haven't," she admitted. "I didn't know they were real."

[momslilassassin]

"For Jedi, they are. My father was visited by his old master for years after Obi-Wan died." Ben focused on his toes. "And when I was on Kavan, I saw Mom. She was there, right in front of me."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

She tried to imagine if her own mother or Rishti appeared as a ghost, and her heart broke a little for him. "Oh, Ben."

[momslilassassin]

"She said she loves me," he whispered.

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"And I'm sure she does," she said quietly, "wherever she is."

[momslilassassin]

"And then there was all this guilt that I'd seen her and maybe my father hadn't..." Ben said, shaking his head, "and so much stuff happened after that that I'd almost forgotten about seeing her. My life is a mess."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"It will get better," she said softly, biting her lip and wanting to touch him but understanding the need to not be.

[momslilassassin]

"And I'm pretty sure Tahiri's going to hate me," he blurted, "because I can't tell her what happened. She knows everyone involved."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"She won't hate you. Why can't you tell her?" she asked. "I don't understand."

[momslilassassin]

"When Jacen decided I wasn't worthy of being his apprentice any more,"--a nice euphemism for "tortured me"-- "he found a replacement." Ben took a shaky breath. "The Tahiri at home was the replacement."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"...and she doesn't know," Aravis supplied, her eyes wide.

[momslilassassin]

He shook his head, wrapping his arms around himself.

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Ben." She struggled for words for a moment, before saying, "You are so much stronger than I."

[momslilassassin]

Ben tilted his head towards her. "How so?"

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't be able to look at her," Aravis admitted.

[momslilassassin]

Ben shifted just a hair closer to Aravis, still not comfortable with being touched, but hating feeling alone. "She turned back," he said, "but not before she did--" he searched for words, "a lot of bad things."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"We have all done bad things," she said softly. "I don't know that I'd be able to see anyone the same way, though."

[momslilassassin]

"And Tahiri can tell I'm holding back," Ben said, "but I can't tell her what happened. I don't want to break her."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"Of course not," Aravis said, shaking her head. "And to tell her would shape her future, would it not?"

[momslilassassin]

"Very possibly," Ben said. "And much as I want to save her Ben from what I've seen, I can't do that either."

[notqueenyet.livejournal.com]

"I know what that's like," she said sympathetically, "though of course not to this extent. It's extremely difficult."